Often I find myself in a room sitting beside a senior, usually in their own home or at their medical appointment, where everyone is there to help, support or assist the person sitting right next to me, but it is like that person is invisible.
One afternoon, while helping an independent client set up artwork in her new apartment at a retirement residence, she accidently pulled the call bell by the bed. Not knowing what to do, we waited for the nurse to respond.
The nurse arrived and locked eyes with me, the ‘young abled-bodied person’. She only addressed me, even though I don’t even live there, and started telling me all that needed to be done in the future when this happens again. I said “Please speak with Mrs. Smart,” as I pointed to the elderly lady standing next to me. Then, I lowered my eyes not giving her an option of continuing with me, “Oh? Ok.” She continued with hesitation. “But, if this happens again please….blah blah blah.” now speaking to the right person in the room.
Mrs. Smart quietly said to me after the nurse left ‘Isn’t it weird that that nurse saw right through me? I am glad you redirected her to me because otherwise I do not think I would have been a part of the that conversation. And I need to know what to do in case I do that again.’
Two more times within the next hour, my client said: ‘…it is so weird that she did not even see me and only spoke to you. Thank you for redirecting her.’
Hospitals. Medical clinics. Store clerks. Family dining room. Sitting around a coffee table. Even some nurses at retirement residences. I see this happen all the time.
Have you ever stood in a room and have felt invisible?
How did it feel?
Did you know what to say or how to stand?
Did you want the floor to open up so you could disappear?
So many times, I stand beside a senior and feel that dejectedness in them. That awkwardness of “Oh Hi, I am over here. This is for me. Why are you talking to her instead of me? This feels awful but I do not know what to do.” I see this body language in so many seniors.
How to Keep a Senior Part of the Conversation?
Let’s say you are standing beside your elderly loved one and everyone is talking around them, like an elephant in the room. You want to bring them back into the conversation and maintain their dignity.
Here are some tips that will gently guide the conversation back to the senior:
- Sweep a hand gesture, with an open palm, towards the person you want to invite back in.
- Shift your shoulder position perpendicular to your loved one so your chest is facing them. This opens up your stance and creates a warm invitation.
- Say “I am not here for myself, I am here for her/him”, with a sweeping hand gesture to the person you want seen, “please speak with them. I am here to support and guide but this is all about them, not me. Please.” Again, insist with the open sweeping hand gesture and a nod of the head towards them.
- If you do not want to speak, you can nod your head in a tilt towards the central person so your body language invites the action back to the right person.
- Lower your eyes as you nod your head towards your loved one so that eye contact is broken and the speaker looks to find the proper eye contact.
You may have to persist. And I encourage you to do so. Your loved one will be grateful that you allowed them to be seen so that they can own their power. After all, this is for and about them, so they should always be at the center of each discussion especially when they are right there beside you.
Yes, it takes more time and takes a lot of patience. But it feels so right to have everyone in the room seen and treated with respect. Especially when it is the person we are there to assist or support.