See her for who she is, not for what she has lost.
As I stand beside a client who needs help opening a door. Or assist a man with Parkinson’s who occasionally needs support. Or when I am with other clients to support them emotionally, because the noise of the world is overwhelming, I often ask myself: When does a person become invisible simply because they need help?
I don’t know any person, in any age group, who doesn’t need assistance, support, or guidance to get through life on a daily basis. We all need a village. We always have.
So, when does it happen that the person beside me, who is clearly the reason we are here (at the store shopping, at the doctor’s office, at the bank, at a restaurant), becomes almost non-existent? As if they are not in the room at all?
This is a serious question because it concerns me, and I wish to understand.
When does someone become see-through? Does it happen at a certain age? At a certain moment in life?
This is what I witnessed at the end of a dentist visit, while accompanying a 94-year-old client, this week:
“This is her receipt. Can you give it to her, please?” A gesture of my hand and a nod of my head towards the person who just received the treatment indicated, ‘This is for her, not me, pass it to her. She is right beside me.’
Many other times in my work, people say to me:
“What is his eyesight like lately?” …Ask him, he is right here.
“Take this and tell her to go to the appointment desk with this paperwork.” … How about you give her the paperwork and tell her. She is right here.
Yes, afterwards, I will step in to be the secretary, paper holder, or carrier for the required support. But first, let him or her tap into their agency, their personhood, and their right to be treated and seen as a full person.
At what point does a person become transparent?
When age spots or a skin condition is visible?
When a cane or walker is in the room?
When a person doesn’t stand as tall as they used to?
When someone is a little hard of hearing?
When they stop working?
When anyone stands beside them to provide support?
When life goes by at too fast a pace and they are not spoken to in a way that ensures they fully understand?
Please tell me when and why this happens, because I must understand.
When it is our time to need help, assistance, support, or require more time to process information, I am sure we will appreciate being seen whole, seen for who we are, and spoken to with respect. That day will come. For you. For me. For all of us.
Can we practice guiding the conversation back to the person at the heart of the moment? You know, the vulnerable person beside us receiving the service, the support, the care.
Let’s do right by them. Every time. Everywhere. Always.
Too often, in so many different settings, it is frustrating to see how invisible an older adult becomes.
When will this transparency of a person change? Can it be today?
Can it be today that we recognize the beauty that is brought to the table by the older people who surround us? Those who built our roads, bridges, and systems, those who taught our children, and created the surroundings we live in?
A Simple Gesture Will Help Start the Change We Need
When you see it happen – right there in front of you – I invite you to redirect the conversation to the person for who this is for, the whole reason you’re here.
With an open palm facing towards the ceiling, direct your hand towards the person who should be addressed. Lower your eyes from the person who is speaking to you, so they are encouraged to make eye contact with them and see the client or patient who is being served.
Not you. Them.
You are here to make it about them and keep it all about them. Support as you need to, but keep the conversation centered on them. Encourage all of those around you to see them, not you.
Let’s See Them
When does a person become transparent? Is it when they walk slower? When they need help to process a certain procedure? When they struggle to open a door or fill in a form?
I don’t know. But I do know this: we all need help sometimes. In our time of need, we want to be seen fully, respectfully, and with dignity.
Let’s start today. Let’s redirect the conversation to the person who is at the core of the interaction. Let’s honour the seniors who built our villages, raised us, and shaped our communities. Let’s see them. Speak to them. Let’s empower them and acknowledge them.
Because one day, it will be us who have someone beside us for support. And when that day comes, we will want someone to see us too.
I invite us all to begin seeing the person in front of us for who they are today, not for what they have lost.